Valentines day as a child was always filled with the preparations for the in class party at school.

1) Picking out invitations (Dear GOD let me find the Smurfs Or Snoopy)

2) Signing and addressing all the cards, feeling weird about giving them to some of the boys in class, while still hoping they give you one

3)  Creating your “Mailbox” that will sit on your desk to collect your Valentines

4) remembering whatever treat you were signed up for

Ahhh the memories of being young and still enjoying the holiday

We are all a wee bit older now. We have all had our share of “Valentines Day sucks” moments, so why not have an adult version of the Kindergarten party at the office?  Stroll with me thru this plan…

1) Still have to get the box of Valentines to address.  However, this year I would be opting for the Hotel Transylvania ones. “Von’t you be my Valentine?”  and really, how great would it be to get a Transformers Valentine from your boss?

2) Instead of regular candy, we all have to spring for the good stuff.  (Godiva, anything from Europe with liquor, overly priced cupcakes from Just Baked)

3) Still have to create your mailbox, but whoever has the most creative, gets a $200 Gift Card to the local liquor store.

4) and the most important, when ever someone says “Valentine” everyone gets to a do a Jello Shot.

Personally, I think the work day would be much more enjoyable and it would have contain a dash of childhood magic and nostalgia.

Who is with me?

HG:”!@#$%$^!@#%!@#%”  ”Why do you feel the need to have 800 bathroom products in the shower?

Me: “Why would I use the same product everyday? My needs change”  ”Depending on how I am feeling, my entire bath experience could be vastly different from the day before.

H:-”Do I even want to know?

Me: “um, read the labels, I have Hair Rehab,  Beer Shampoo, Honey Shampoo…Body Bars in yummy scents, Strawberry Smoothie Conditior”

HG:*shakes head*

Me: “Think of it like having a choose your own adventure every time you are in the shower!”  ”Do you feel more hippyish today or do you want to smell like salt water?”  ”Are you feeling festive and want to partake of the Mexican punch soap?” Plus, the Twilight body soap is VERY relaxing at night, and it has sparkles in it, like Unicorn magic”

HG: ” I really just want to take a shower and be clean without knocking crap over”

Me: “You seem a little stressed, you should use the massage bar and the citrus scrub”

a few hours later:

Me:  ”OMG! Lush is having a sale!” *proudly hold up laptop*

HG: “I give up, exactly what planet are you from?”

Me: “Top Secret, but doesn’t Mandarin Smoothie sound delish?”

A letter-poem to my nephew Ben….

On the day you were born…well it was FANTASTIC and AMAZING and MAGIC.  (Imagine how your parents felt, I am just the crazy Aunt)

On the day you were born you made all of our hearts melt, a new kind of love that had never been felt.  There was cheering and crying and laughter and smiles, a new baby was here, its a boy!!!! Surprise!!!!

On the day you were born as I was rushing to leave, I had a big fall, a big bruise on my forehead, a funny story for all.

On the day you were born, as I sat in a chair, your dad rushed in, with his big bushy head of hair.  ”It’s a boy, he is here!”  he declared while grinning, these are his footprints, I have them right here!

On the day you were born, both of your Grandmothers cried, a little bit of themselves  in your beautiful face and eyes.

One the day you were born, the best faces of all, were those of your parents, who kept staring  in awe.

Dr. Seuss I am not, so this random letter poem is done,  and on the day you were born, a big adventure was begun.

XXOO

Aunt Bex

I want to preface this by saying that I am good at many things, even VERY good at some of those.

There are somethings that I truly am not good at.

Things that I am not good at include:

1. Sewing
2. Being Graceful
3. Not Hot Gluing myself to things
4. Cooking
5.  Polishing my own Toe Nails

Of those top 5, cooking is the WORST.  I don’t like doing it, and I truly suck balls at it.  All of this reader brings me to “The Importance of Garlic …and hiding your tracks”.

The Harley Guy was kind enough to place a beautiful roast and veggies into the crock pot to simmer and do whatever crock pots make things do for the entire day.  In my mind,  crock pots are modern day cauldrons that people fill with mysterious things.

I decided that I would be helpful and domestic  and add garlic salt to it, to add yummy garlic flavor.  Apparently if you just screw the top off the spice, you also remove that little safety plastic piece that ensures you don’t just dump a sand hill amount of spice onto your food.  As I stood there, looking at the mound of garlic sitting on a piece of the roast in complete horror, I heard HG coming down the hallway.  Instead of admitting what I had done, I decided the best possible solution was to quickly turn that piece of meat over and cover it with veggies.  Feeling confident about my actions I left for the office.

Let us, gentle reader fast forward 10 hours.  As I passed thru my garage I could already smell the garlic. By smell, I mean there there was a WALL of garlic perfume surrounding my home.  Walking into my house it was as if 1000 garlic cloves had been baking all day. I like to think that I deserve an Oscar for totally acting like my nose wasn’t  going to start bleeding from the smell. Sitting down to eat, I couldn’t take it anymore and I blurted out “ItriedtoaddgarlicbutthentheitjustspilledinthereandIdidn’tknowwhattodo”

*silence*

HG  ”How about we have a new rule that whatever I am making in the kitchen,  you just don’t touch it okay?”

Me”Garlic is really yummy and good for you though, right?”

HG “I thought the meat had somehow gone bad”

Me “But whoo hoo GARLIC!!!!!!!!! So good for you! Look at me taking care of my man!”

HG “Why didn’t you just wash off the meat?”

Me “ummmmmmmmmm, I panicked” “Like that time I melted the spatula making you breakfast”

HG “you melted a spatula?”

Me “Why are you not thanking me for being helpful?”

HG “Let’s just adhere to the new rule”

Me”BTW, we are out of Garlic Powder”

HG *Glare*

And this is why I should just stop trying to be helpful around the house…

Those times when you hear just enough of a conversation that you ponder it for the remainder of the day.

Picture the scene:  Wal-Mart

Me: Just wanting to get my crap and leave

Random couple walking by me and all I hear is “And that is why we should raise Turtles”.

“….and this is why we should raise Turtles…”

That is by far one of the greatest snip it’s of conversations I have heard thus far.  I mean, I truly wonder what could have possibly lead up to that sentence.  I have concluded the following:

I.      They have a Turtle Farm and have spent a large amount of money on stud fees in 2010 and 2011.

II.     They enjoy soup made out of said animal

III.    They are heavily invested in Turtle racing

IV.     Someone in their household is really, really bad at Turtle care and they need a good way to cover it up.

V.  Illegal Turtle Smuggling ring,  centered in Michigan and supplying to the Mid and East Coast has contracted with them.

I really wanted to follow them around in an effort to glean more details, but those type of people are probably very dangerous…

Conversation with the Harley Guy

HG*-why do you watch scary stuff on TV if you just end up scared?

Me-I like them, plus I gain knowledge

HG-Um, knowledge?

Me-yes, as in:

1)      Don’t run screaming and turning all the lights on

2)      Never hide under the bed

3)      The call is always coming in from inside the house…

4)      Don’t use an Ouija Board

5)      Never EVER say “oh, that was just the wind, because we all know, it’s NEVER just the wind..it is most likely Zombies, or a dead girl come back to life…

6) Clowns are ALWAYS evil, bypass the balloon and candy they are offering you from the sewer

7) Always have Holy water and circle yourself in salt

HG-If you didn’t watch these kind of shows you wouldn’t be scared, and um, you don’t carry Holy Water and salt with you everywhere do you?

Me-Knowledge is Power  *insert high pitched voice*  The more you knooooooooooooooooow.

HG-I am putting a parental lock on the TV

*HG is stands for “Harley Guy” who is my significant other, best friend, sometimes handler

When I was in the First Grade I broke the eraser off of a brand new pencil and stuck it at the tip of my nostril.  In a panic, I snorted whilst trying feverishly to get it out.  I then proceeded to get it stuck at the very tip of my sinus cavity.  A trip to the ER and a needle up the nose later,  the eraser was removed.

Why did I put the eraser  up my nose? To impress a boy.

Thus began the next 29 plus years of me trying to be bigger, better, faster and stronger to prove that I was *insert whatever I am trying to be at the time*

Welcome to “Boo Ever After”.  A combination of the Journal I wish I had dilligently kept, my permenant record, confessional, and a cheap way of avoiding therapy and rehab.

-B